What a mess of emotions one experiences when they lose something. Especially something you thought you couldn’t live without. Something that used to make you feel so free became the thing that made you feel so chained. So I’m struggling a little trying this “back to the old me thing”, while feeling my heart ache at the same time. Missing something that became something that I’m not sure I should miss anymore. Swirling in my chest and my mind: images and memories all the good things. Trying to push out the bad. Because who wants to remember that. Remembering my contribution to the destruction of something that appeared so beautiful. It makes you question though when you lose something. Was it really that beautiful? Or, as I say was it a story I told myself. A dream that I tried to force into reality. Or was it as beautiful as I remember but I lost myself in it and changed. Became all the things I never wanted to become. Said words I can never take back, and neither can they. Did I take a Rembrant and turn into a Pollock.
My heart is so heavy but yet at the same time so free and I’m lost in emotions that I can’t trust. I look around and something so pivitol is missing. A future I plotted and planned out to the T. Though on the other hand I feel this pressure lifted off of me that had begun to wear me down. Every unkind word stole a piece of me. Every fight erased a good memory. So I sit now unsure if I should mourn the loss of them or mourn the loss of myself in the process. It’s weighing and crushing and all absorbing but at the same time I CAN BREATHE. There’s no fingers to point, no one to blame; now what’s left is regret and what feels like an empty space. But I seem to be filling it. It seems to be almost overflowing. Like I loved you but at the same time I have to be ME. I have to be FREE. I HAVE to LOVE ME. I have to exhale I have to breathe. But my breathe gets caught up if I think too hard of how amazing it used to be.
But I’m at a loss . Because it feels like I have to choose YOU or ME..
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